I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
