Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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