I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
