The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
