What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
