the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
