mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
