I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Randomize
