I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
