woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
