So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
