don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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