you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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