Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
