Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
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i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
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I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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