How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
