I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
