This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
