you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
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I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
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Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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