I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Did I show you my penis last night?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
