I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
