these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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