I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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