Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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