I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.