When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
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Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
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All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.