you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?