before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.