he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends