apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
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Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
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We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.