Already got asked if we're dating
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
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btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
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I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."