Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
