We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
