I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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