wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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