With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
