my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
