just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
