i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm getting married
To pizza
Dicks are not precious.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
