You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
