does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
