Umm I'm too high to move.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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