Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
not ubering you a puppy
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
