He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
