im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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