what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
