Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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