turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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