Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
