I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
