I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
