Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize