guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
