Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
