just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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