You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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