weddingsv make me drug and hornr
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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