You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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