either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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