she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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