my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
