is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
