Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
